The Way I Remember My Father

I have taken a break from the blogging world lately. It was not an expected or planned break. We had a summer that was full of so many events that I had planned to write many blogs about. However, while God blessed us with so many things and wonderful times together, we also know He does allow hard times to come through our lives - times to grow and refine us as His children. This summer was a perfect example of that. This blog will not even begin to do justice to the feelings and thoughts that I am trying to process and will try to process for the rest of my life. However, it’s a start. 

As many of you know, we lost our father to an unexpected heart attack on July 27. He was healthy. He has had diabetes since I was in high school, which is a disease that has run in his family for years and one that I am now painfully aware of the impact that brings. However, he was otherwise healthy.  In fact, he had just been to the doctor and they told him he was better than he had ever been in a long time in terms of his health.  When we received the call on July 27 that he had experienced a massive heart attack and passed away, we were shocked. Even now, the day (and the days that have followed) seems like a crazy dream that we will one day wake up from.  

Three years ago we dealt with the unexpected loss of my mother. It was a pain I had never experienced before and one that I never thought to be dealing with at 24, at least not in an unexpected way. It was something I didn’t understand and still deal with to this day. However, we still had Dad. We were still the kid and we still had a parent to lean on. I never dreamed that almost 3 years to the day later we would be getting a call that my father had passed without warning as well. I understand that people lose parents. It’s the natural order of life. I understand that people lose parents young. However, to lose both parents, unexpectedly, without an obvious medical sign before the age of 28 was not something I was prepared to deal with. 

In the midst of all this, as I’m sure many who go through something like this would say, while I feel painfully cheated of precious time that I should have received, I am also largely aware of how lucky I truly was to have not 1, but 2 parents who were more than parents – they were friends. Not just during my adult life like most would say, but during my entire life. 

Who my father was

My father was one of the best, if not the best, man I knew. He wasn’t just our father, he was our best friend. My family was always close. You couldn’t go anywhere without someone (or all of us) being with you. Not because we had to, but because we wanted to be together. I would come home from college and hang out with my family. I would choose to hang out with my family in high school over friends. It wasn’t forced. We enjoyed being together. When my mom passed away 3 years ago, that only grew. We realized how quickly one of us could be gone and it became even more important to share everything together.

My father always tried to make everyone happy – not in the people pleasing kind of way, but because he enjoyed being around people and wanted them to be happy as well. Yes, he had his stresses, especially after my mom passed and he had to figure out how to live without her, but he loved being around people and being happy. He was always smiling or laughing or joking. That was him. He loved telling stories. The ongoing joke was the fact that you could repeat Dad’s stories line-for-line. Something I made fun of him terribly for, but something I am insanely happy about now. I know everything there was to know about my father and his life because of those stories and the fact that he loved sharing them with people.

His world revolved around us. That fact is true for both of my parents. Many would view that as spoiling us and, I will admit, we were spoiled. However, we were not spoiled by material things. We didn’t get anything we wanted and when we were given things, we were still taught about the importance of appreciating it and the work that went into getting that item. We knew that anything we needed, we could go to them for and they would help us through it, even if just listening to us. Ryan’s favorite line is how he has to deal with the aftermath of what Dad created because his favorite phrase was “how can I make it better?” Some might say they were wrong in their way of how they raised us, but I can tell you that I loved my parents, appreciated my parents, more than a lot of people I know. 

He was an amazing Morfar (grandfather in Swedish). He loved Parker more than I can ever express. I was amazed at the amount of people, people I didn’t even know, who were asking where Parker was at the funeral because all they ever heard Dad talk about was “that little boy.” I knew he loved him, but it wasn’t until then, that I realized just how much. For me, that is what breaks my heart the most. Parker will never know how amazing his grandfather was and just how much he loved him. I had finally come to terms with the fact that he would never know my mother. However, I never experienced them together, which means I never saw that connection made. I saw the connection between my father and my son and it breaks my heart most that he will never fully understand, despite how many stories will be shared, how amazing his Morfar was and what he was cheated of.  He will never know how much my mother would have loved to know him, but even more, how much my father did love knowing him and the dreams he had for him. 

My father was one of the hardest working people I know, yet didn’t have to “work” at all. My father was a great business man. However, he was fortunate to work from home and have a job that allowed a flexible schedule. Not only could be flexible with the days he worked, but where he worked from. This is something I am extremely grateful for, especially now. My entire life, I had a father who was there for us whenever we needed. We were able to be together 24/7 and that included my mother when we were younger since she stayed home until my sister went to school.  After I moved to Florida, he was able to visit frequently because of his ability to work from FL as easily as Kentucky. This helped us to cope with my mother’s death. We had always been together and now a piece of us was missing and I was the only one 12 hours away. 

However, because of his job, he was able to spend almost every month in Florida, even if it was just for a weekend. His work situation molded my idea of what a job should be like. Unfortunately, most jobs are not that flexible. However, I have been lucky and blessed to find a job that proves to be just as flexible. I will never forget how excited not only I was, but him as well. I am able to keep Parker home and have the same day to day impact on him that my parents had with me. When my grandmother fell, I was able to work from Kentucky for 2 weeks to help my father out. It’s yet another thing that has not only made me appreciate my father, but the blessings God has placed in my life.

 My father was an amazing husband. I can’t even begin to describe the love and bond that my parents shared. I have never seen my father more lost and alone than after my mother died. Yes, he was dependent on her. Not because he didn’t know how to do anything or was weak, but because he loved her and she loved him. They were an example of a true marriage partnership. Yes, I knew that we were our parents’ high priority, but I also knew that their marriage came before us and I am so thankful for that and the example they set. Just as I mentioned that my family always went everywhere together, my parents were even more connected. They were always together. There were never any separate trips to places. Where there was one, there was the other. They loved us. Deeply.  However, they looked forward to the day that it was just the 2 of them again - something that crushed my father so much after she was gone. They had so many dreams and those dreams were cut short. Yes, my father loved us and wanted to be with us, but I know he always missed my mother and longed for her. I do not believe that my father died of a broken heart. Yes, he missed her, but I do not believe he was so brokenhearted that he longed to be with her to the point of death. However, I do believe that right now, he is right where he always wanted to be and was waiting for the day to join her again. It’s an example that I strive to set in my marriage and one that I hope Parker, and our future children, will see in us. 

Who my father IS

There are many things that my father was. Even the words I have written today do not cover or do justice to the man that my father was and the example that he and my mother set or the many blessings they gave us. These words do not do justice to how connected my family was or how much I miss them and will until the day I die. They do not fully explain how much we hurt right now or how cheated we feel, but thankfully, these words do not cover who my father was but who he (and my mother) is.

More than how thankful I am for the fact that they were our best friends, set an example of love, gave us what we needed (and even wanted at times), I am thankful for the fact that they worshipped and followed the Lord and put their faith in the death and resurrection of Jesus. Because of that, I know that I can say these things are not just who my father was, but who he currently is, because I know that while he is not here with us anymore, he continues on, living, in Heaven, with my mother by his side. I am thankful that I can rest assured and trust in the promise that I will see them again one day because not only did they put their faith in Him, but they set an example for us so that we too, have that same faith and trust. Because of that trust, despite the intense pain we feel right now, we know that we have a God who will see us through it. We have a Heavenly Father who will give us peace and comfort and whose grace is sufficient. We have a God who is all-knowing and, even though we can’t see it and will never fully understand it, has a perfect reason and plan for all of this.  We know that even though we question why and at times, are insanely angry over the loss of both parents and the break-up of our family, we have a God who only holds us tighter during those moments.  

It doesn’t take the pain away. It doesn’t make us miss them less. It doesn’t take away the “why” or make us not want them here with us even more. It does, thankfully, give us the peace that the suffering and heartache is just for a while and one day, we will be together again and once again get to enjoy all that made my father and mother the great people they were and still are.