A Lesson in Faith

As many of you saw through Facebook or heard through the family grapevine, we had a scary choking incident with Parker in early December. Let me start off by saying, this whole parenting thing is a daily struggle of realizing I'm not in control and going against some of my deepest personality qualities and sometimes, faults. I don't like feeling out of control. I'm also a worrier. I come by it naturally - I come from a long family line of worriers. I worry about little things, like is Parker going to get too hot if we go out in the Florida heat, as well as big things, like is he still breathing while sleeping. I admit, I'm not proud of some of my worries, but I can't help it. I have to daily fight and pray against some of my rational, and irrational, fears.

This night in December was no different than any of the nights before. We had put Parker to bed, awake, like we always do in an effort to try to get him to self-soothe. He cried, like usual. However, after a while of crying, I noticed his cry took on a different tone - one with more panic. One that was just different somehow. I couldn't tell you how it was different - I just knew it was. When I checked on Parker, I found him attempting to cry. It almost sounded like what you picture a child whose throat was closing due to an allergic reaction to sound like. Immediately, I picked him up, and it grew worse. I immediately called Ryan upstairs and we immediately started acting. I couldn't tell you what we did or why we chose to act the way we did - instinct just took over. After what seemed like forever, we realized the attempt to clear his throat by hitting his back, was not working. When we saw his eyes start to close a bit, we immediately called 911 and continue to hit his back. It was one of the scariest moments of my life to date. Of course, by the time the emergency responders (2 police officers, 3 fire-fighter/EMTs - the ambulance was called off) arrived, he was breathing again. I felt like an over-paranoid first-time Mom, but they did a good job of assuring me I was not. Things turned out fine. The responders said he could have simply choked on his spit. When we followed up with our doctor, she said some babies have "holding-their-breath spells" where they will actually hold their breath when feeling stressed or upset (leave it to my child).

I know this was the first of many lessons I am going to have in faith as a parent. I don't control what happens in this world (thankfully). I don't even control what happens with my own little family and for me, an knowing control-freak, this is scariest thought of my life. However, thankfully, it doesn't have to be. I know that I have a God who is always looking out for us. That doesn't mean everything is always going to be perfect or that things will always go right. However, it does mean, that someone much greater, wiser, loving, etc than me, has it all planned out. It might not always be something I understand, but that's where faith comes in. Since having Parker, I have to choose faith every day. I have to have faith knowing that God will take care of us, sometimes I will understand His ways and sometimes I won't. However, I have to have faith that He is in control, that there is a reason for it, and it's for His glory. Becoming a parent has been one of the hardest moments in my life, for obvious reasons, but also one of the most rewarding. It has been an event that has taught me more in 6 months than some of my other life-long events and it continues to teach me things every day. It is a daily lesson in patience, love, trust, and many other things. However, more than those, it's a daily lesson in trust and faith that I have a God who has it all under control, will never leave me, and will watch out for me during the good, and bad, times.